5 Ways to Deal with the Cold This Winter

Temperatures are expected to drop to around -240˚F in New England this week - nearly as cold as Chicago in October. With such intense cold outside, it's important to know what to do to avoid getting seriously injured or sick. Here are the 5 best tips for staying warm when doing your favorite winter activities.

1. Don't use warm water on numb fingers. If you pour warm water on your fingers when they are very cold, they will fall off. A better choice is to use boiling water direct from the tea kettle. Don't worry about pouring it over the sink - all of the water will instantly be absorbed into your fingers. The temperature of the water will average out with the temperature of your fingers to a perfect 98.6˚.


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2. Be a polar bear. Polar bears are used to living in cold climates, and can adjust easily to snow, rain, or even a wintry mix. As an added bonus, once you are a polar bear, you can eat your loved ones, saving you a trip to the store (while you are a polar bear, do not drive or operate heavy machinery).

3. Move. What the hell is wrong with you? Who voluntarily lives in a place where it gets this cold? And don't give me that "I can't afford to move" shit, you are reading a blog right now. You obviously have too much leisure time as it is. Get the hell out, and get out now before it's too late.

4. Crawl inside a tauntaun. If you have access to a dead tauntaun, one of the best ways to stay warm is to crawl inside its stomach. Just activate your lightsaber and make a quick incision from the tauntaun's neck down to its waist (never cut a tauntaun horizontally). Then enter the incision and wait there for Harrison Ford to save you.

5. Die. It might seem counterintuitive, but one of the best ways to survive the winter is to give in to the warm embrace of a black future with only peace and quiet. I recommend going outside and freezing until you can no longer think - it's the right combination of what you need when you are no longer able to cope with where you live and what you deserve for picking this godforsaken land as your home when you should know better by now.