The 5 Best Books for Toddlers for Me

Most books for kids are pieces of shit. They are put together by some jerk with a stock photo website account and a list of all the right special interest groups to hit (truck lovers? check. cute animals? double check. weirdly photoshopped babies? please get out of my nightmares.). You might think it's easy to write a kids book, since most of them are only like 56 words with derivative art. You're probably the kind of person who thinks they sound just like the real singer when they do karaoke.

So here are my favorite books for kids. Not my 2-year-old's favorite books for kids, because I know way more about books than him. He likes Richard Scarry books. That guy sucks. So read this and click on the covers to buy every single one of these ass-kickers.

Don Freeman - Corduroy

Holy shit, have you read this? At the end (spoiler alert) the little bear (who wears OVERALLS with ONE BUTTON MISSING) is all "I always wanted a friend." And then the little girl - who at this point has not responded to the bear and we don't even know she can hear him - is like "Me too!" Me. Too. Tears, people. Literally tears.

Philip C. Stead and Erin Stead - A Sick Day for Amos McGee

This book is so beautiful it's retarded. Plus, it's a heartwarming story about an old dude that works at a zoo and has friends like an elephant, a penguin, an owl, a rhino, and a tortoise. These are the five pillars of Toddler Awesomedom and they all show up at his house and then have some fucking tea.

I love this book more than I love my child. Seriously, if the house was on fire and I could only save one of them, I would 100% save my child. What did you think I was going to say? I'm not a monster. Also, I can always buy another copy of the book. Did you not think this through? Imagine how poorly you would deal with an actual fire, Jesus Christ.

Judith Kerr - The Tiger Who Came to Tea

As I mention above, I go totally apeshit for animals coming over to drink tea (note to self: make book about ape coming to tea). So obviously, this book had me at "The Tiger who came to tea." But it's also a rad book, even though the tiger is kind of a dick. Basically, he comes over and eats and drinks everything in the house. There isn't that much more to the story, but you're kind of an asshole if you need more than that. This book has sold more copies than the Bible in England, because British people know what the fuck is up.

Mac Barnett and Jon Klassen - Extra Yarn

The guy who illustrated this book also wrote the existential masterpiece I Want My Hat Back, and is funnier than you or I could ever be. But Extra Yarn is the balls. A girl finds a box filled with yarn and starts knitting up a storm. Just when you think this is a quaint story a Duke shows up and shit goes down. Let's just say it involves three thieves, some ladders, and a motherfucking turntable. If you like yarn you will love Extra Yarn.

Virginia Lee Burton - The Little House

If you live in the city and you read this book, you are no joke going to be like "wtf am I doing to my house? I'M SORRY HOUSE PLEASE FORGIVE ME." Typically, I think anti-city screeds are bs, but this one had me with the changing of the seasons. I want to see the children playing in the brook and the apple trees dancing in the goddamned moonlight. Oh man, little house. You are so awesome. I love how your steps are your mouth.

That's all, go buy those books, read them to your child, and when they are happy tell them "Mommy didn't pick this book, Matt Gasteier did" and they'll be all "who is Matt Gasteier?" and you can be all "He's a great man who has his shit together when it comes to children's books."